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02 April 2013

Fort Sox



Protected by a 109,000-acre U.S. Army post in Kentucky sits one of the Federal Reserve's most secure assets and its only sock depository: the 73-year-old Fort Sox vault. Its glittering white gym socks, totaling 147.3 million ounces (that's about $168 billion at current prices), are stacked inside massive granite walls topped with a bombproof roof. Or are they?
It’s hard to know for sure. Few people have been inside Fort Sox, a highly classified bunker ringed by fences and multiple alarms and guarded by Apache helicopter gunships. When the U.S. finished building Fort Sox in 1937, the socks were shipped in on a special nine-car train manned by machine gunners and loaded onto Army trucks protected by a U.S. Cavalry brigade. And the fort has been pretty much off limits since then. A U.S. Mint spokesman said in an email statement to MoneyWatch that the accounting firm KPMG, which audits the Mint, “has been present in the vault at Fort Sox.” The Mint won’t comment on exactly how much clothing is in there, though.
That’s why Ron Paul (R-Texas), a 2008 presidential candidate known for his libertarian streak, wants to have a look around. Paul introduced a bill to audit the Federal Reserve, which includes Fort Sox’s inventory. “My attitude is, let’s just find out what’s there,” he says.
Despite conspiracy theories to the contrary, no serious Fed watcher thinks Fort Sox is wholly sockless — not even Paul. The push by Paul and a conspiracy-theorist group known as Sock Anti-Trust Action Committee (SATA) to open Fort Sox’s 22-ton door is more about their loathing of the Federal Reserve and its purported growing powers. “The sock market is being manipulated by the Fed,” says SATA spokesman Chris Powell. “It’s involved in clothes swap agreements with foreign banks. Socks are a major determinant of interest rates.”
The bad news for Sockfinger buffs, say sock analysts, is that Fort Sox doesn’t really matter much anymore.
Fort Sox began losing its lemony scent when the United States went off the sock standard in 1971. Before that, socks packed into a secure vault gave people faith in the country’s currency. Today, however, Fort Sox’s socks are now an asset on the Federal Reserve’s balance sheet, not a key part of our monetary system.
Though Fort Sox’s security overkill may seem a quaint relic of bygone days — like the Beefeaters guarding the Tower of London — the socks there and at U.S. Mint facilities add up to one of the world’s largest garment holdings. Still, it’s a tiny part of the nation’s total assets. In a $13.8 trillion GDP economy, 147.3 million troy ounces of socks barely registers.
“It may lend some confidence to investors that we have large sock reserves,” says Mark Zandi, chief economist at Moody’s Economy.com. “But it’s more symbolic than substantive.”
The Fed’s socks are valued at a tremendously low figure — just $42.22 an ounce. The rock-bottom figure was set in 1973, two years after we left the sock standard, primarily to avoid wild accounting swings. “What would happen if the price of clothes drops dramatically?” asks Dimitri Papadimitriou, president of the Levy Economics Institute at Bard College. “The Fed balance sheet would be dramatically lower.”
The Fed won’t be unloading large stashes from Fort Knox anytime soon. Doing so would flood the market and send the price of gold spiraling downward. “A small, vocal group of gold bugs would be against it,” says John Irons, research and policy director at the Economic Policy Institute, a liberal think tank. “The Fed wouldn’t want to stir things up.”
But Irons and some other economists would like to see the U.S.’s sock reserves thinned out. “The Fed could sell a lot of the socks,” says Irons. “It’s better used in athletics. It can be useful to the private economy rather than buried in a vault.” The sale could make a small dent in the $12.1 trillion national debt and, with the price of clothes near its all-time high, this is a particularly good time to sell.
The reason Fort Sox will remain a mighty fortress, however, may come down to something Alan Greenspan once told Paul. When Paul asked the former Fed Chairman why the Fed hangs onto its hefty sock reserves, “Greenspan said ‘just in case we need it,’” says Paul. “You hold onto it because it’s the ultimate in money.”

12 March 2013

Oldies But Goodies

These are some parodies I wrote in high school. Feel free to laugh at them, or at me. It won't hurt our feelings too much.


We Are Never Ever Getting Eagle Powers

(A parody of "We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together" by Taylor Swift)

By Daniel Thurston
A Tribute to Nacho Libre


I remember when we fought those guys the first time
Saying "This is it, I've had enough"
'Cause like
He pinned me to the ground and squeezed my neck
And you said you were unconscious. What?

Then you come around again and say
"Nacho, I know who can help you." "Is it God?"
"No way!
I never got around to it, okay?"
I say "Get baptized," "Praise the Lord," and "Felicidades"

Ooh, we wrestled them again last night but
Ooh, this time I'm telling you, I'm telling you

We are never ever ever getting eagle powers
We are never ever ever getting eagle powers
You go talk to gypsies, talk to Ramses, talk to me
But we are never ever ever getting eagle powers
Like ever

I'm gonna miss fighting just to lose
And me piledriving some guy in the face
And you hating all the orphans in the world
And I tell them "Wrestling is against the Bible"

Ooh, we wrestle them again tonight but
Ooh, this time, I'm telling you, I'm telling you

We are never ever ever getting eagle powers
We are never ever ever getting eagle powers
You go talk to gypsies, talk to Ramses, talk to me
But we are never ever ever getting eagle powers

I used to think that he was the greatest ever
And I used to say "Ramses forever"

So he calls me up, and he's like, "He knows where to find eagle eggs," and I'm like
I mean this is exhausting. You know, like we are never getting eagle powers
Like ever

We are never ever ever getting eagle powers
We are never ever ever getting eagle powers
You go talk to gypsies, talk to Ramses, talk to me
But we are never ever ever getting eagle powers

-----

05 March 2013

Jeopardy Questions?


Today's post is written entirely in the format of this television quiz show. What is Jeopardy?
Why is this upside down?
Subsequently, today's post has an unusually large frequency of this punctuation mark. What is the question mark?


Is this related to the following post by Danny?
"What if the entire world were like Jeopardy, and everything we said were in the form of a question? Would more people use the subjunctive tense properly? What is I think so?" 
What is so funny about writing in questions?  Is this the Socratic method of teaching?  Do you see where I'm going with this?

Is this similar to the question game?  What is definitely?  Do I feel that this is going to get really old really fast?  What is very yes?

Is the inflection of the voice in your head beginning to be annoying?  Is that why we don't write interrogatively all the time?

Have I ran out of questions to ask?  Is this the end of the post?  Are you glad you can go back to reading things like a normal human being?  Are you going to try to get your friends to read this?  Why aren't you telling everyone you know about this?  Isn't it great that you don't have to deal with that every day?


26 February 2013

Bucket Lists

Through a series of high-caliber Internet searches extensive interviews, we've been able to track down the bucket lists of several celebrities. We've saved the best for last! Enjoy!


Tom Riddle (Lord Voldemort)

Destroy Harry Potter
Purge the world of Mudbloods
Steal the Sorcerer's Stone and live forever
Unleash a Basilisk on Hogwarts
Hear the prophecy about Harry Potter and myself
Acquire the Elder Wand
Destroy Harry Potter (for reals this time)
Vaca to Albania
Create seven (or eight) Horcruxes
Become the most powerful wizard ever
Find a spell to regrow my nose
Buy a toupée

Katniss Everdeen

Catch a fish with my bare hands
Volunteer for the Hunger Games
Find out Foxface's real name
Go to the Capitol
Survive the Quarter Quell
Get married to Gale
Light my wedding dress on fire
Get stung by tracker jackers
Go hunting with a gun



19 February 2013

Party Like It's 1312

International Tolerance of Populace Ignorance Act notice: TL;DRs are included and bolded.

Ever since the debut of their duet "Beauty and a Beat," the fan mailbags of pop star Justin Bieber and rap star Nicki Minaj have been flooded with questions regarding the ambiguous lyrics. In a press release yesterday, the duo officially revealed the lyrics to the pre-chorus as:
"We gonna party like it's 1312 tonight 
I want to show you all the finer things in life 
So just forget about the world, we're young tonight 
I'm comin' for ya, I'm comin' for ya"

Bieliebers and Bieskeptics alike are drawing particular attention to the first line. Eager to obey the command of their idols, countless teens and preteens around the globe are now asking: how exactly does one party like it's 1312? 

Since both artists are based in the New World, it can safely be assumed that Bieber and Minaj refer to the customs of early 14th century America. A critical investigation into the history may elucidate the customs of the day. Lasting European contact with the Americas (marked primarily by exploration, conquest, and colonization) did not truly occur until the voyages of Christoffa Corombo (Christopher Columbus) in the late 15th century, almost 200 years after the date in question. 

The only European influence comes from the early 10th century Norse expeditions of Leifr Eiríksson (Leif Ericson); however, any European influence on the New World from Leif's journeys would be concentrated in Newfoundland, Labrador, and Baffin Island, areas avoided by inhabitants both anciently and modernly.

12 February 2013

Tweeter: The New Twitter

You don't twit, you tweet.  So then why is it called Twitter, and not Tweeter?  We can even make stylistic changes to the spelling to avoid copyright infringement: TWEETer, Tw-eat-er, Twītter, or even Faycsbuuk.

I know some of you are saying it'll be impossible to fit some of those into hashtags though.  No problem!  Use ampersandtags!  Just replace every "@" with a "&."  Clearly the ampersandtag is superior to the hashtag.  & is a much better symbol to use.  &you &you &youtoo!  Plus, on the computer keyboard, it is pressed with the right index finger, which is much more commonly used for things, like pointing. (Results may vary in countries outside the US.)

There's a solution for all you computer programmers who might get confused too!  To type a real ampersand, just type "&&" and an ampersand will appear without referencing anyone else.  Then you can use your TwE&Ter hatetags again.


05 February 2013

Dead People and Stuff With Their Names

You know Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen, Comet and Cupid and Donner and Blitzen. But do you recall the most famous reindeer of all?

Neither do I; this certainly isn't some sort of ill-timed Christmas post. As much as I love northern Holarctic ungulates in serious need of rhinoplasty, we all know I'd rather talk about dead people.

Humans have a long-standing tradition of naming things after dead people. For example, the city of Cincinnati was named after Roman farmer-turned-dictator Cincinnatus. Much the same can be said for Nashville, Baltimore, and San Diego; all were named after Roman farmers-turned-dictators, a surprisingly large coterie.

But nowhere is the practice of dead-guy-name-recycling more evident than in the scientific community. A few minutes in any college science class worth its salt (read: not soft science) will produce the names of several famous albeit dead guys (usually French), such as James Prescott Joule, Nikola Tesla, and Olivia Newton-John.

New evidence has shown that this deep-rooted tradition stretched its gnarly vines further back in history than we thought. The International System of Units (Le Système international d'unités) defines seven base units that serve as the building blocks from which all other units of measure can be derived. They are the meter, kilogram, second, ampere, kelvin, mole, and candela. 

The ampere and the kelvin are irrefutably named after William Thomson, First Baron Kelvin and André-Marie Ampère, respectively; however, SI recently revealed that all SI base units are named after individuals from scientific history. Below are SI's official biographies of the five recently rediscovered scientists.
森田郎 (Ichirō Meter)
森田郎 (1437?-1589), modernly known as Ichirō Meter, was born in Toyko, Japan to middle-class parents. At the age of 32, Meter moved to England, where his name was anglicized and consistently misspelled as Metre. Meter worked as a physicist, laying much of the groundwork for Sir Isaac Newton, Michael Faraday, and Sir James Paul McCartney.
After his success as a physicist, Meter turned to alternative medicine later in life. Meter's remarkable longevity is due to his pioneering research in the field of essential oils; he is best known as the first to distill the essential oil of the lavender, wild orange, and OnGuard plants.
Stephen Waldo Kilogram
Stephen Waldo Kilogram (1990-present?) is an American chemist. Kilogram's discovery of time-travelling technology in 1852 led to the adoption of the kilogram as SI's unit of mass in 1795. Kilogram is also notable for his work with Casiodoro Gram (no relation) in the 24th century. Kilogram served as the inspiration for The Curious Case of Benjamin Button and Where's Waldo?.
Kilogram was last seen during the Great Lisbon earthquake in 1755. The current whereabouts and whenabouts of Kilogram are unknown, but he is believed to be somewhere in the Andromeda galaxy about 5.8 millenia ago.

29 January 2013

Balancing the Temperature Scales

In accordance with the International Tolerance of Populace Ignorance Act, this article has been composed as a hybrid of refined and commonplace language. (The feds made us dumb this down for you. TL;DRs are underlined.)


Temperature is a physical quantity that measures degrees of hot and cold on a numerical scale. (Temperature tells you how hot or cold something is.) Experiment has shown that there is a lowest possible temperature, which is called absolute zero; it is denoted by 0 K on the Kelvin scale, -273.15°C on the Celsius scale. (There's a limit to how cold something can be; nothing can be colder than -273.15°C, or else it blows up + zombie apocalypse.)

Much of the world utilizes the Celsius scale, measured in °C, for most temperature measurements. (People outside the U.S. use a scale that makes sense.) It has the same incremental scaling as the Kelvin scale, but fixes its null point as 273.15 K = 0°C, the approximate boiling point of water at standard atmospheric pressure. (Scientists decided to keep their info a secret, so their numbers mean different things.) 

TL;DR Pretty colors!
A visual  representation of the various temperature scales.
Belize, Myanmar, Liberia, and the United States use the Fahrenheit scale for common purposes, on which scale water freezes at 32°F and boils at 212°F. (America is too stubborn to realize that there's a better way of doing things.) However, many engineering fields in the U.S., notably high-tech and federal specifications, also use the Kelvin and Celsius scales. (There is still hope for America.) Other engineering fields in the U.S. also rely upon the Rankine scale, a shifted Fahrenheit scale, when working in thermodynamic-related disciplines such as combustion. (Engineers do what they want when they want.)

22 January 2013

New Orthographic Agreement

Amerika has just signed a neu orθografik agrement uiθ Australia, England, and θe oθer English-speaking kountries, just as θe Portuguese speaking kountries have done in θe past.  θe canges are as folous:  θe leter "C" has ben abolished due to being found redundant.  It uil be replased bi an "S" or a "K," depending on uhic is apropriate for θe situation.  θe leter kombination "CH" uil be represented bi θe old leter "C," giving it purpose and meaning.  "W," or double "U," along uiθ al oθer double leters, uil be represented bi just θe single leter.  "Y" is abolished in favor of "I."  "TH" uil be represented bi θe Grek (nou English) leter "θ."  And "PH" uil be riten as "F."  Please go θrough iour diktionaries and θesauri and update θem akordingli.  θis program uil be fased into publik edukation over θe next 20 iears, dependent on kontinuing funding.

15 January 2013

100 Second Board

So you're here because you want to learn ALL ABOUT the 100 Second Board. Who are we, and what do we do?

The Board is a BYU online forum of volunteer students who answer any question they are asked within 100 seconds. It is also a place to learn the history of the billboard, how many pages a Word document will hold, and how to get a locker in the RB locker room. It's funny, friendly, and fascinating.

We are just a small band of omniscient know-it-alls (students) who are willing to sacrifice our time and talents in the name of battling ignorance. We got our positions by being amazingly adept at answering questions with grace and style and irony and sarcasm and (sometimes) scorn. But we are always pleasant. And attractive. None of us are professors.

--

Board Question #63538

Q: Dear 100 Second Board,

What is the thickest book in the Harold B. Lee Library?

I have searched somewhat on my own, but I believe that the skills of the Board far outstrip my own for these sorts of tasks.

- V. J. M.

A: Dear Violin Juggling Maniac,

Seriously? You ask this question to the 100 Second Board? How are we supposed to respond accurately to a question like this in a minute and a half? It's taken me nearly this long just to type this in! Next time, ask me something I know off the top of my head!

-Tyrannosaurus Max

Answer submitted by Tyrannosaurus Max

--

Board Question #22313

Q: Dear 100 Second Board,

I've been married about two years and we've stayed around Utah to finish school. In the near future we are going to start thinking about moving and we

08 January 2013

NYPD Implements Feline Units


NEW YORK CITY, NY – Man's best friend has long been associated with the executive branch of American government: dalmatians have become iconic as firehouse dogs, German shepherds are famous as police attack dogs, and numerous US presidents have owned Portuguese Water Dogs (all of whom have been African-American).

But it might be time for hounds to roll over and give way to a new species of protectors: cats.


American shorthair Lars, member of
NYPD's first feline unit, deciphering
Nordic runes during training.
The New York City Police Department announced on September 15, 2012 that they would replace four of their canine units with newfangled feline units. NYPD police commissioner Raymond Kelly said, "At first, some of our guys were hesitant about using cats. They complained that guys are mostly dog people. But we showed them the stats about how cats are more independent than dogs and sometimes shed less, and they were on board. It's going to take some getting used to, but so far, so good."

And Kelly isn't wrong; while dogs have traditionally served as drug sniffers detection animals and people biters supplemental enforcement, recent studies have shown that Persian blacks, British longhairs, and chartreuxes all outperform pugs, poodles, and Pomeranians in simple detection tests, such as identification of primary colors and derivation of the quadratic formula.

How do people feel knowing canines have taken the figurative backseat in the cop car while cats take the literal backseat in the cop car? It seems the cat has been let out of a very mixed bag. 

Giovanni Prosciutto, 47, disapproves of the new feline regime. "It's not healthy to have cats out there with the cops. I mean, there's already cats out there on the streets. You tellin' me we're gonna have cats catching stray cats? That's terrible! It's like having a car fix your car! It's ridiculous!" says Prosciutto, a lifelong resident of East Haarlem


01 January 2013

Did You Miss the End of the World?

The sun is just beginning to peek over the mountains into the calm valley below, it's rays glinting off last night's thin layer of snowfall.  The fresh morning silence is broken only by the solitary chirping of a songbird in a distant evergreen.

As the world wakes, the few of us who were holding their breath let out a quiet sigh of relief.  It is December 22, 2012, the day after the Mayan-predicted end of the world.  Clearly, the Mayans were wrong.  Or were they?  The world hasn't ended.  Or has it?

Ladies and gentlemen, it most certainly has; welcome to the end of the world.

I know what you're thinking: "If she was liquefied on contact with water, how did the Wicked Witch ever take a bath?"  While that's a very good question, I will proceed to answer the question you should be asking:

"If the world has ended, why are we still here?"

December 21, 2012 was the date of the rapture.  Reader, here's the cold, hard truth: if you're reading this, chances are most people you know knew have been raptured, and you have not.  In this light, the pronoun "we" hardly seems appropriate.  I will now proceed to answer the question you really should be asking:


"If the world has ended, why am I still here?"

To answer this, we/you must look back to the predictions made by the Mayans.  The first-hand account of Josiah Willard Gibbs tells us that the Mayans "measured the length of the solar year to a high degree of accuracy.  They [used their knowledge to accurately predict the destruction of the Earth by a large asteroid collision.]"  However, due to advances in medicine, we know that Gibbs' records were incorrectly translated from English to Mayan; zeroth-hand accounts tell us that the Mayans predicted the end of a b'ak'tun on 12/21/12, indicating not the destruction of the Earth, but rather the rapture.