Troll the Ancient Yuletide, Carol?

Or is it Troll: the Ancient Yuletide Carol? It's become nearly impossible to decipher the author's intent.  But every good literary student knows that the author's original intent doesn't matter because the work takes on a life of its own as soon as it has left the author's pen.  

As with other words (like "Christmas"), the meaning is open to personal interpretation; the line of this song can mean whatever you want it to mean.  In fact, the meaning is so vague, high school students have been at liberty to argue the finer points of this debate through written essays.  

At the end of the day, one of these many opinions will be declared the winner, the meaning magically universally agreed upon.  That is, until the sands of time again erase its meaning.

Carol, the ancient yuletide troll

Ward Intruder: Woman wakes up to find intruder in her ward

PROVO, UT – Provo police are working to identify a suspect who snuck into a woman's wardhouse, sat on the stand, and called her to be the Stake Relief Society President.  Officers are waiting on fingerprint evidence to determine who the suspect is.

The offense happened early Sunday afternoon in the 100 block of South 900 East Street in Provo.  Kelsey Dobson says she was sleeping in church when a visitor from the High Council asked for her release as the Ward Primary Specialist over Snack Time.  Kelsey woke up to find herself being sustained to her new calling.

Her brother heard her scream from the foyer.  André rushed to help, but the suspect got away through the back door after the church service.  "Seein' my sister when I walked in, he had his hand raised to the square.  First thing I did was raise my hand to oppose her new call, but he didn't see it," said André.  "Obviously, we have a Stake Representative in the Fifth Ward," Dobson told the camera.  "He's climbin' in yo' church meetings.  He's snatchin' yo' people up, tryin' to sustain 'em.  So y'all need to hide yo' elders, hide yo' sisters, and hide yo' high priests, 'cause they callin' everybody out here." 

Kelsey and André said the suspect left behind his leather-bound scriptures and fingerprints.  A crime scene investigator photographed and dusted for prints on the surface of the pulpit, microphone, and embossed scripture case.

Dobson says he's never seen the suspect before but sends this warning to whoever is responsible.  "You don't have to confess you did it.  We're lookin' for you.  We gonna find you; I'm lettin' you know now.  So you can run and tell that, High Councilor," said André.  No one was called to fill Kelsey's old position during the incident.  André and his family are scared to stay in their ward on the weekends.  The call has left Kelsey worried for the safety of the other sisters in her ward, as well.

Some viewers question the decision to let André and his sister tell their story.  No one could have anticipated this kind of attention.  The Dobsons welcomed news crews on their property and approached us to do an interview.  Some do not agree with what Dobson said in his interview, but the fact is, the Dobsons are victims.  Like any victim, they have the right to speak out.

Within minutes of the story airing, it became a viral internet sensation, taking over popular sites like Facebook and Youtube.  There's a rap version of Dobson's interview and now a ring tone clip, along with a t-shirt line.

So how does Dobson feel about his new found fame?  "I know I am so glad because I feel like I belong to someone's TV," he said.  Dobson says the situation he and his family went through was terrifying.  He said he was angry the day he went on camera, but says he did it to warn his neighbors.  Today, he's much more calm, but says he has no regrets.  "What people fail to realize is, we don't run around cryin', actin' sad.  We dust our shoulders off and keep on movin'," said Dobson. 

André says he didn't do the interview to become a household name, he did it to help try and catch his sister's caller.  If you have any information about the Sacrament meeting, you are urged to call the Bonneville Stake President.

SEC Takes Over College Football, and Christmas

Edgar

The SEC, or the Securities and Exchange Commission as it is sometimes called, is mad that only two of its teams can play in the BCS, which is "more compact and easier to handle than its bulky competitors."  The commission's child, Edgar, continues to read the same thing over and over, for all of eternity, as though his soul were stolen by one of those newfangled photographic devices.  

In the meantime, there are lawsuits flying every which way because of the SEC's outrageous complaints.  There are probably lawshirts, lawshoes, lawskirts, and other pieces of lawclothing flying around as well.  Most of these lawsuits are aimed at reaching children in need. Many children are not able to afford their own lawclothing, and it's important that the community take action in helping them reach their potential.  

That's why, this Christmas, the SEC, ABA, and ABBA have teamed up to bring you the Feed the Children Christmas Concert Series.  Tune in every Friday night at 8pm EST on ABBC.  There will be 800 numbers for you to call and vote for your favorite act of the night.  Please be sure to call the right number -- there are 800 of them, after all.  The act with the most votes will run an impossible obstacle course, riddled with poor commentary and a laugh track.  It is guaranteed to lower the entertainment value of television in general.  Somehow, your votes will be magically turned into money which will be taken to Africa.  We promise.

Being An American: Liberty

For United States History, we were charged with answering the following prompt in essay format.

What civic value do you believe is most essential to being an American? Trace the enduring importance of this value throughout the American story by discussing: a Founding document [from the provided list] that reflects this value; a figure from American history who embodies this value, and examples of how you have/could put this value into practice.

Here is the response essay I wrote in 90 minutes:

Harriet "Sweet Pea" Tubman was a woman. Probably. I think. She had narcosis (often called narcolepsy or nicotine), which means she uncontrollably fell asleep at random times, but usually during important activities, like driving a car, using an iPad on a motorbike, or dueling Lord Voldemort. She was a slave, but really only halfway because she fought for Women’s Rights at the Siege of Boston during the War of 1812.

She was thought to have been born in 1820 or 1821 under the alias Araminta "Mint Tea" Ross, but this theory was disproved during the Salem Witch Trials; in truth she was born several decades earlier and was disguised quite well when “born again.” She was thereafter referred to as a "Born Again Christian" (even though her name was Harriet, not Christian). She was raised by her grandmother Modesty and her late grandfather Common Sense, the titular character of Thomas Paine's Common Sense. Tubman was named after the Tubman House, a residence hall of Towson University, built in 2008.

She was often called “Moses” by her religious followers because she allegedly was a direct descendant of both the biblical hero and the song by Coldplay. Tubman reportedly worked with her quasi-biological quasi-daughters Susan B. Anthony and Sacagawea as women’s activists; remarkably, both of Tubman’s daughters ended up on their own US $1 coin, but Anthony’s coin was discontinued in 1799.

Tubman was famous for her work with establishing the Mason-Dixon Line, which divides the Midwest from the Middle East. This is not to be confused with the Line of Demarcation (established by the Treaty of Tordesillas), which runs along 42° 30' W and divides Spain's plains from Spain's rains. She also was one of the Founding Farmers (often erroneously called the Founding Framers) who wrote the Magna Charta.

In 1191, Tubman simultaneously contracted malaria and ammonia (a lung disease and/or genetic disorder.) She died in the early hours (approximately 5:30 p.m.) of Yawm al-Arba'aa' Shaʿbān 19133 AH.

In conclusion, Harriet Tubman may or may not have been a woman. In fact, no one really knows if she even existed. And I love being an American.