Party Like It's 1312

International Tolerance of Populace Ignorance Act notice: TL;DRs are included and bolded.

Ever since the debut of their duet "Beauty and a Beat," the fan mailbags of pop star Justin Bieber and rap star Nicki Minaj have been flooded with questions regarding the ambiguous lyrics. In a press release yesterday, the duo officially revealed the lyrics to the pre-chorus as:

"We gonna party like it's 1312 tonight 

I want to show you all the finer things in life 

So just forget about the world, we're young tonight 

I'm comin' for ya, I'm comin' for ya"

Bieliebers and Bieskeptics alike are drawing particular attention to the first line. Eager to obey the command of their idols, countless teens and preteens around the globe are now asking: how exactly does one party like it's 1312? 

Since both artists are based in the New World, it can safely be assumed that Bieber and Minaj refer to the customs of early 14th century America. A critical investigation into the history may elucidate the customs of the day. Lasting European contact with the Americas (marked primarily by exploration, conquest, and colonization) did not truly occur until the voyages of Christoffa Corombo (Christopher Columbus) in the late 15th century, almost 200 years after the date in question. 

The only European influence comes from the early 10th century Norse expeditions of Leifr Eiríksson (Leif Ericson); however, any European influence on the New World from Leif's journeys would be concentrated in Newfoundland, Labrador, and Baffin Island, areas avoided by inhabitants both anciently and modernly.

This lack of European influence is probably for the best of our 1312 partiers; during 1312, Europe was just phasing out of the High Middle Ages, a period marked by the schism of Western Catholicism and Eastern Orthodoxy, the rise of scholasticism, improvements in the sciences and technology, and the ever-popular Gregorian chant. Despite this season of relative prosperity, Europe would shortly encounter the Great Famine of 1315-1322, which would weaken the population in preparation for the Black Death. During this most devastating pandemic in human history, between 75 million and 200 million victims would be taken.

The form of partying in 1312 depends onto which groups of people one refers. Native American tribes capable of partying in 1312 include the Aztecs, a people who dominated large areas of Mesoamerica from the 14th to 16th centuries. Aztec customs that could be considered party-like include a variant of the Mesoamerican ballgame, named tlachtli or ōllamaliztli. The Aztecs also ascribed immense symbolic value to cacao, a rare imported luxury, the contemporary equivalent of an edible Mercedes-Benz. Cacao was most commonly drunk as xocolātl, the beverage of warriors and nobles. Xocolātl was considered an potent intoxicant and something drunk with great solemnity and gravity.

This insight into pre-Columbian history clarifies greatly the intent of Bieber and Minaj. In an attempt to improve the overall quality of America's youth, they have masterfully exercised their control over the minds of today's tender young people. Their quasi-hypnotic message for America's youth is this: "Gather with your friends. Play a wonky game of basketball using only your elbows, hips, and knees. Drink expensive (possibly spiked) chocolate beverages, but do so very solemnly. Only then can you truly party like it's 1312, hipsters."