NYPD Implements Feline Units

NEW YORK CITY, NY – Man's best friend has long been associated with the executive branch of American government: dalmatians have become iconic as firehouse dogs, German shepherds are famous as police attack dogs, and numerous US presidents have owned Portuguese Water Dogs (all of whom have been African-American).

But it might be time for hounds to roll over and give way to a new species of protectors: cats.

American shorthair Lars, member of
NYPD's first feline unit, deciphering
Nordic runes during training.

The New York City Police Department announced on September 15, 2012 that they would replace four of their canine units with newfangled feline units. NYPD police commissioner Raymond Kelly said, "At first, some of our guys were hesitant about using cats. They complained that guys are mostly dog people. But we showed them the stats about how cats are more independent than dogs and sometimes shed less, and they were on board. It's going to take some getting used to, but so far, so good."

And Kelly isn't wrong; while dogs have traditionally served as drug sniffers detection animals and people biters supplemental enforcement, recent studies have shown that Persian blacks, British longhairs, and chartreuxes all outperform pugs, poodles, and Pomeranians in simple detection tests, such as identification of primary colors and derivation of the quadratic formula.

How do people feel knowing canines have taken the figurative backseat in the cop car while cats take the literal backseat in the cop car? It seems the cat has been let out of a very mixed bag. 

Giovanni Prosciutto, 47, disapproves of the new feline regime. "It's not healthy to have cats out there with the cops. I mean, there's already cats out there on the streets. You tellin' me we're gonna have cats catching stray cats? That's terrible! It's like having a car fix your car! It's ridiculous!" says Prosciutto, a lifelong resident of East Haarlem. 


Heather Thompkins, 38, agrees with Prosciutto, adding, "Cats are downright nasty. And you can quote me on that. Did you know they dig holes for their poop in my sandbox? Gross. I mean, my kids play in that sandbox. That's just not right."

But felines need not fear; Gertrude von Hewlett, 71, thinks cats are an improvement to the police department. "I like that they're using cats. The cats are a lot nicer. Those mean old dogs used to scare my sweet Pumpkin, Sweetheart, Macy, Lacey, Tracy, Kibbles, Bits, Cheesy Grits, and Baby Pocatello, my darling kitties. But now I think my sweet children have made friends with the police cats. The other day, I saw Pumpkin was sharing his milk with a sweet black cat with little white patches. I know it was either a police cat or one of those strays with fleas and scurvy." 

Like it or not, cats are here to stay. Kelly says the department plans to implement more cat units in the future. "We've had such great success with our feline units," said Kelly. "I wouldn't be surprised if feline units replace canine units altogether within five years."