Oldies But Goodies

These are some parodies I wrote in high school. Feel free to laugh at them, or at me. It won't hurt our feelings too much.

We Are Never Ever Getting Eagle Powers

(A parody of "We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together" by Taylor Swift)

By Daniel Thurston

A Tribute to Nacho Libre

I remember when we fought those guys the first time

Saying "This is it, I've had enough"

'Cause like

He pinned me to the ground and squeezed my neck

And you said you were unconscious. What?

Then you come around again and say

"Nacho, I know who can help you." "Is it God?"

"No way!

I never got around to it, okay?"

I say "Get baptized," "Praise the Lord," and "Felicidades"

Ooh, we wrestled them again last night but

Ooh, this time I'm telling you, I'm telling you

We are never ever ever getting eagle powers

We are never ever ever getting eagle powers

You go talk to gypsies, talk to Ramses, talk to me

But we are never ever ever getting eagle powers

Like ever

I'm gonna miss fighting just to lose

And me piledriving some guy in the face

And you hating all the orphans in the world

And I tell them "Wrestling is against the Bible"

Ooh, we wrestle them again tonight but

Ooh, this time, I'm telling you, I'm telling you

We are never ever ever getting eagle powers

We are never ever ever getting eagle powers

You go talk to gypsies, talk to Ramses, talk to me

But we are never ever ever getting eagle powers

I used to think that he was the greatest ever

And I used to say "Ramses forever"

So he calls me up, and he's like, "He knows where to find eagle eggs," and I'm like

I mean this is exhausting. You know, like we are never getting eagle powers

Like ever

We are never ever ever getting eagle powers

We are never ever ever getting eagle powers

You go talk to gypsies, talk to Ramses, talk to me

But we are never ever ever getting eagle powers

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According to Soup

(A parody of "According to You" by Orianthi)

By Daniel Thurston

A pop rock song from the perspective of provolone

According to soup, I'm stupid, I'm useless

I can't make anything taste good

According to soup, I'm difficult, hard to melt

Forever still with solid clumps

I'm a mess in a pressed Subway sandwich

Even if the tomato's ripe

According to soup, according to soup

But according to ham, I'm edible, delectable 

I complement him perfectly

According to ham, I'm gooey, irresistible

Better than PB&J

Everything is opposite, I don't feel like stopping

So baby tell me what I got to lose

I'm yummy now for everything I'm not

According to soup

According to soup, I'm boring, I'm moody

And I always taste out of place

According to soup, I'm not that worth eating

'Cause I always cause tooth decay

I'm the cheese with the worst stanky flavor

You're the food that puts up with that

According to soup, according to soup

But according to ham, I'm edible, delectable

I complement him perfectly

According to ham, I'm gooey, irresistible

Better than PB&J

Everything is opposite, I don't feel like stopping

So baby tell me what I got to lose

I'm yummy now for everything I'm not

According to soup

I need to feel appreciated

Like I'm not hated, oh no

Why can't you see through his eyes?

It's too bad, you're making me stringy

But according to me, you're stupid, you're useless

You can't make anything taste good

But according to ham, I'm edible, delectable

I complement him perfectly

According to ham, I'm gooey, irresistible

Better than PB&J

Everything is opposite, I don't feel like stopping

So baby tell me what I got to lose

I'm yummy now for everything I'm not

According to soup

According to soup, I'm stupid, I'm useless

I can't make anything taste good

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Lemonade (from Phantom of the Supermarket)

(A parody of "Masquerade" from Andrew Lloyd Webber's Phantom of the Opera)

By Daniel Thurston

Dedicated to my sister Elisa Corry

Lemonade! Paper glasses on parade

Lemonade! Show your face so the sour will not surprise you

Lemonade! Every glass a different shade

Lemonade! Look around: there's another drink behind you

Flash of red, splash of juice

Sweet and sour, no Grey Goose

Pink and gold, special treat

Trace of lime, tastes like feet

Glasses!

Take your turn, take a ride

On a merry-go-round

With a quite citric taste

Liquid gold, pink's good, too

Country Time, who is who?

Curl of lip, swirl of spoon

Swish of glass, 'neath the moon

Glasses!

Drink it in, Drink it up

'Til you drown in the sweet, in the sour

But who can name the brand?

Lemonade! Happy yellows, cheery reds

Lemonade! Drink your fill

Let the flavored drink astound you

Lemonade! Burning throats are rubbing red

Lemonade! Stop and stare at the sea of tastes around you

What a night! What a drink!

Makes you glad! Makes you think!

All the crème de la crème!

Watching us drinking them!

Lemonade! Watch your cup get thrown away

Lemonade! You can charm any grinch who ever knew you

Lemonade! Leering seeds and bitter rinds

Lemonade! Run and hide but the lemon will pursue you--

(Enter Phantom of the Supermarket)

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Opossum! My Possum!

(A parody of "O Captain! My Captain!" by Walt Whitman)

By Daniel Thurston

Opossum! my Possum! our fearful trip is done; 

The ship has weathered every rack, the prize we sought is won;

The port is near, the bells I hear, the people all exulting,

While follow eyes the steady keel, the vessel grim and daring:

But O heart! heart! heart! 

O the bleeding drops of red,

Where on the deck my Possum lies,

Fallen cold and dead.

Opossum! my Possum! rise up and hear the bells;

Rise up—for you the flag is flung—for you the bugle trills;

For you bouquets and ribboned wreaths—for you the shores a-crowding;

For you they call, the swaying mass, their eager faces turning;

Here Possum! dear marsupial!

This arm beneath your head;

It is some dream that on the deck,

You’ve fallen cold and dead.

My Possum does not answer, his snout is pale and still;

My mammal does not feel my arm, he has no pulse nor will;

The ship is anchored safe and sound, its voyage closed and done;

From fearful trip, the victor ship, comes in with object won;

Exult, O shores, and ring, O bells!

But I, with mournful tread,

Walk the deck my Possum lies,

Fallen cold and dead.

Just kidding. He was only playing possum. Silly possum!

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Yeah (We're Gonna Be Late)

(A parody of "Just the Way You Are" by Bruno Mars)

By Daniel Thurston

Oh, her eyes, her eyes
Make the stars look like they're not shinin'

Her hair, her hair
Falls perfectly without her tryin'

She's so beautiful
And I tell her every day

Yeah, I know, I know
When I compliment her, she won't believe me

And it's so, it's so
Sad to think that she don't see what I see

But every time she asks me, "Do I look okay?"

I say

Yeah, let's go

Just hurry up

We're gonna be late

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All these and more can be found on my Facebook page. That is, if you're cool enough to be FB friends with me. Which you probably aren't.