Balancing the Temperature Scales

In accordance with the International Tolerance of Populace Ignorance Act, this article has been composed as a hybrid of refined and commonplace language. (The feds made us dumb this down for you. TL;DRs are underlined.)

Temperature is a physical quantity that measures degrees of hot and cold on a numerical scale. (Temperature tells you how hot or cold something is.) Experiment has shown that there is a lowest possible temperature, which is called absolute zero; it is denoted by 0 K on the Kelvin scale, -273.15°C on the Celsius scale. (There's a limit to how cold something can be; nothing can be colder than -273.15°C, or else it blows up + zombie apocalypse.)

Much of the world utilizes the Celsius scale, measured in °C, for most temperature measurements. (People outside the U.S. use a scale that makes sense.) It has the same incremental scaling as the Kelvin scale, but fixes its null point as 273.15 K = 0°C, the approximate boiling point of water at standard atmospheric pressure. (Scientists decided to keep their info a secret, so their numbers mean different things.) 

A visual  representation of the various temperature scales.

Belize, Myanmar, Liberia, and the United States use the Fahrenheit scale for common purposes, on which scale water freezes at 32°F and boils at 212°F. (America is too stubborn to realize that there's a better way of doing things.) However, many engineering fields in the U.S., notably high-tech and federal specifications, also use the Kelvin and Celsius scales. (There is still hope for America.) Other engineering fields in the U.S. also rely upon the Rankine scale, a shifted Fahrenheit scale, when working in thermodynamic-related disciplines such as combustion. (Engineers do what they want when they want.)

New Orthographic Agreement

Amerika has just signed a neu orθografik agrement uiθ Australia, England, and θe oθer English-speaking kountries, just as θe Portuguese speaking kountries have done in θe past.  θe canges are as folous:  θe leter "C" has ben abolished due to being found redundant.  It uil be replased bi an "S" or a "K," depending on uhic is apropriate for θe situation.  θe leter kombination "CH" uil be represented bi θe old leter "C," giving it purpose and meaning.  "W," or double "U," along uiθ al oθer double leters, uil be represented bi just θe single leter.  "Y" is abolished in favor of "I."  "TH" uil be represented bi θe Grek (nou English) leter "θ."  And "PH" uil be riten as "F."  Please go θrough iour diktionaries and θesauri and update θem akordingli.  θis program uil be fased into publik edukation over θe next 20 iears, dependent on kontinuing funding.

100 Second Board

So you're here because you want to learn ALL ABOUT the 100 Second Board. Who are we, and what do we do?

The Board is a BYU online forum of volunteer students who answer any question they are asked within 100 seconds. It is also a place to learn the history of the billboard, how many pages a Word document will hold, and how to get a locker in the RB locker room. It's funny, friendly, and fascinating.

We are just a small band of omniscient know-it-alls (students) who are willing to sacrifice our time and talents in the name of battling ignorance. We got our positions by being amazingly adept at answering questions with grace and style and irony and sarcasm and (sometimes) scorn. But we are always pleasant. And attractive. None of us are professors.

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Board Question #63538

Q: Dear 100 Second Board,

What is the thickest book in the Harold B. Lee Library?

I have searched somewhat on my own, but I believe that the skills of the Board far outstrip my own for these sorts of tasks.

- V. J. M.

A: Dear Violin Juggling Maniac,

Seriously? You ask this question to the 100 Second Board? How are we supposed to respond accurately to a question like this in a minute and a half? It's taken me nearly this long just to type this in! Next time, ask me something I know off the top of my head!

-Tyrannosaurus Max

Answer submitted by Tyrannosaurus Max

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Board Question #22313

Q: Dear 100 Second Board,

I've been married about two years and we've stayed around Utah to finish school. In the near future we are going to start thinking about moving and we

NYPD Implements Feline Units

NEW YORK CITY, NY – Man's best friend has long been associated with the executive branch of American government: dalmatians have become iconic as firehouse dogs, German shepherds are famous as police attack dogs, and numerous US presidents have owned Portuguese Water Dogs (all of whom have been African-American).

But it might be time for hounds to roll over and give way to a new species of protectors: cats.

American shorthair Lars, member of
NYPD's first feline unit, deciphering
Nordic runes during training.

The New York City Police Department announced on September 15, 2012 that they would replace four of their canine units with newfangled feline units. NYPD police commissioner Raymond Kelly said, "At first, some of our guys were hesitant about using cats. They complained that guys are mostly dog people. But we showed them the stats about how cats are more independent than dogs and sometimes shed less, and they were on board. It's going to take some getting used to, but so far, so good."

And Kelly isn't wrong; while dogs have traditionally served as drug sniffers detection animals and people biters supplemental enforcement, recent studies have shown that Persian blacks, British longhairs, and chartreuxes all outperform pugs, poodles, and Pomeranians in simple detection tests, such as identification of primary colors and derivation of the quadratic formula.

How do people feel knowing canines have taken the figurative backseat in the cop car while cats take the literal backseat in the cop car? It seems the cat has been let out of a very mixed bag. 

Giovanni Prosciutto, 47, disapproves of the new feline regime. "It's not healthy to have cats out there with the cops. I mean, there's already cats out there on the streets. You tellin' me we're gonna have cats catching stray cats? That's terrible! It's like having a car fix your car! It's ridiculous!" says Prosciutto, a lifelong resident of East Haarlem. 

Did You Miss the End of the World?

The sun is just beginning to peek over the mountains into the calm valley below, it's rays glinting off last night's thin layer of snowfall.  The fresh morning silence is broken only by the solitary chirping of a songbird in a distant evergreen.

As the world wakes, the few of us who were holding their breath let out a quiet sigh of relief.  It is December 22, 2012, the day after the Mayan-predicted end of the world.  Clearly, the Mayans were wrong.  Or were they?  The world hasn't ended.  Or has it?

Ladies and gentlemen, it most certainly has; welcome to the end of the world.

I know what you're thinking: "If she was liquefied on contact with water, how did the Wicked Witch ever take a bath?"  While that's a very good question, I will proceed to answer the question you should be asking:

"If the world has ended, why are we still here?"

December 21, 2012 was the date of the rapture.  Reader, here's the cold, hard truth: if you're reading this, chances are most people you know knew have been raptured, and you have not.  In this light, the pronoun "we" hardly seems appropriate.  I will now proceed to answer the question you really should be asking:

"If the world has ended, why am I still here?"

To answer this, we/you must look back to the predictions made by the Mayans.  The first-hand account of Josiah Willard Gibbs tells us that the Mayans "measured the length of the solar year to a high degree of accuracy.  They [used their knowledge to accurately predict the destruction of the Earth by a large asteroid collision.]"  However, due to advances in medicine, we know that Gibbs' records were incorrectly translated from English to Mayan; zeroth-hand accounts tell us that the Mayans predicted the end of a b'ak'tun on 12/21/12, indicating not the destruction of the Earth, but rather the rapture.